Without You
by CordeliaHalliwell
Summary: A shooting at Seattle Grace leaves Addison Shepherd fighting for her life, but does she have anything left to fight for?
1. Bang, Bang

* * *

Title: Without You

Author: CordeliaHalliwell

Summary: A shooting at Seattle Grace leaves Addison Shepherd fighting for her life, but does she have anything left to fight for.

Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Addison and Derek would still be together.

A.N: Ok so this is basically a what if, in this case what if Addison had gotten shot instead of Burke.

* * *

Bang, Bang

Bang! Doctors, patients, nurses, and orderlies jumped as a large crack reverberated throughout the E.R. from just outside. In rapid succession four more shots were heard.

Dr. Miranda Bailey ran into the center of the E.R. and asked, "What was that? Were those gunshots?" No one had time to answer as she rushed towards the exit.

A young man named Will whispered fearfully, "Petey…"

Miranda Bailey knelt first next to the obnoxious manager, Brad, and felt for a pulse, she found none. She then looked toward the second victim lying nearby. The first thing she noticed made her heart skip a beat. Red hair was fanned out beneath the victim's head; Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd was unconscious and appeared to bleeding from three separate bullet wounds. In what seemed like an eternity but was really seconds Miranda was at Addison's side. She quickly tried to staunch the flow of blood and was horrified as she calculated the amount that had already seeped from Addison's wounds.

She spoke desperately, "Addison, Addie can you hear me?!" Addison's eyes remained closed.

"Dr. Bailey!" Miranda looked up and saw Dr. Preston Burke running towards her and Addison. He skidded to a stop and fell to his knees next to Addison, his hands moving to her neck, feeling for a pulse. He spoke, "Her pulse is weak and irregular; we need to get her into an O.R." Dr. Bailey nodded and helped lift Addison onto the stretcher an orderly had brought out. Both Doctors shot a fearful look at each other as they applied pressure and wheeled her into the E.R.

Dr. Bailey barked an order to a nurse standing near by, "Page Dr. Shepherd, the Chief, and my interns!" The nurse nodded and bolted towards the nearest phone.

* * *

The sound of beeping filled Denny Duquette's room and Dr. Izzie Stevens paused. The scissors that had been poised to cut the wire powering Denny's LVAD moved away as Izzie's hand went to her pager. George was staring at his pager in shock.

"A do-ctor has been sh-shot." His voice was shaking as he read the message. Izzie glanced at Denny who smiled.

"Go." His voice was gentle as was the push he gave Izzie towards the door. Together, with a glance back, Izzie and George walked out of the room.

* * *

Finn released Meredith just as her pager began to beep. She removed it from its holder and glanced at the screen, blinking at the message.

She looked up at Finn and said, "I have to go, there's been a shooting at the hospital." Finn nodded and moved out of her way. As she passed him she whispered, "Thank you." Finn smiled and watched as she left.

* * *

Dr. Cristina Yang removed her pager and read the message that had been sent. Her jaw dropped. She flung the needle she had been suturing with down and tore from the room leaving a man and his family to gape after her.

* * *

Richard Webber rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. As hard as he tried he couldn't get Addison's face out of his head. The woman he had known for years was so… broken. She was dieing slowly, letting her husband break her again and again, and Richard's heart broke for her. He had regretted his harsh words the moment she walked past him, her shoulders slumped in defeat. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his beeper. He thought briefly about ignoring it, but his years as chief won out over his personal exhaustion. He read the screen and narrowed his eyes. One of his doctors had been shot; a feeling of rage swept through him as he shot to his feet and rushed out of his office.

* * *

Alex Karev answered his cell phone and spoke, "Karev."

"Dr. Karev, you need to get back to the hospital immediately, I need you here for a surgery." Alex furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Dr. Burke I thought I was supposed to wait…"

"Karev! A doctor has been shot!" Alex's eyes widened.

"Who was it?" Alex wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer.

"Addison Shepherd." Alex was surprised by the sick feeling that settled in the pit of his stomach. He had been right about not wanting to know.

"I'll be right there." He shut his cell phone and turned to the doctors staring at him expectantly. "The heart is yours." He slipped from the room, ignoring the yells coming from the shocked doctors he had left behind.

* * *

Derek Shepherd had heard his pager beeping but had chosen to ignore it. He wasn't on call and the neurosurgeon that was on call was more than capable. He stared at his wife's side of the bed and glared. He had taken her back, what more did she think she deserved. She had come to Seattle and ruined his happy life with Meredith; she should have just stayed away. He flopped down and shoved her pillow away. He hoped he would be asleep by the time she came home.

* * *

Bailey's interns were all gathered in near the nurses' station on the third floor except for Alex. Meredith had been the last to arrive. All the interns were curious as to who had been shot, but none of them knew. All of the nurses were taking in hushed voices and seemed very subdued. None of the interns felt comfortable asking who had been shot. Cristina opened her mouth to speak but was stalled as Alex Karev sprinted past them towards O.R. 3. The interns looked at each other and followed. Alex had already entered the scrub room by the time they caught up. They followed him inside and were surprised to see him rapidly scrubbing his hands. His gaze was directed inside the O.R. After his hands were clean he slapped a drape over himself and shoved on a pair of latex gloves. He charged into the O.R. and stood next to Burke.

The interns heard him say, "What can I do Dr. Burke?"

Burke answered, "Monitor her stats Dr. Karev, you see anything that indicates she's slipping and you tell us immediately."

"Yes sir." Alex's eyes were already trained on the monitor that showed the patient's stats. At the word 'us' the interns took stock of the doctors in the O.R. The Chief, Bailey, and Burke were all present and accounted for surprising all of Bailey's suck-ups.

"Oh God," At Izzie's gasp the others turned to look at her. Her eyes were fixed on the patient on the table. Her friends followed her gaze. Cristina's eye's widened, George's face went white, and Meredith's heart dropped. Addison Shepherd was on the table.

* * *

Bailey exited the O.R. and nearly tripped over her interns, who were all seated just outside. She was instantly bombarded with questions.

"How is she?!"

"Is she…?"

"She's ok right?!" She leveled a glare at the group and they instantly grew silent.

She spoke, "She is on life support to answer your questions; so no she is not ok." The four interns looked shocked. "Now where is Shepherd, we need to talk to him." The group looked at each other and shrugged. Bailey scowled and stomped toward the nearest phone and yanked it off the hook. She pressed buttons at a rapid pace and then slammed the phone down. She sagged against the nurses' station and put a hand over her face to prevent her charges from seeing her tears. From the looks of things Addison Shepherd was not going to make it till morning.

* * *

Bailey's interns entered the cafeteria and sat heavily in the chairs surrounding a table. Alex's eyes were blank, George was stuttering worse than usual, Cristina was silent, Izzie was whispering, and Meredith looked like she was going to be sick to her stomach.

"She's being sued for mal-practice because of me." Alex's voice was quiet, with a trace of shame the other doctors had never heard before. He jabbed at the food on his plate violently and scowled deeply. The other interns looked at him and then at each other, not sure what to say.

The doors to the cafeteria swung open and Derek Shepherd entered. He looked tired but not what you'd expect from a man on the verge of losing his wife. He went to the coffee cart and ordered a large cup of coffee. He turned as soon as the coffee was in his hands and walked right past Meredith and her friends.

"Derek," Derek paused and turned to face Meredith, "I'm sorry about Addison." The blank look on his face was replaced by a look of confusion.

"The fight?" He shrugged his shoulders and then turned away from the group.

Alex asked incredulously, "You don't know?!"

Derek sighed and tuned, "Know what Karev, I'm tired and I am not in the mood for games." The interns exchanged glances and Meredith stood.

She hesitated and then said, "Derek, didn't you get any pages last night?"

He shrugged again, "I ignored them, why?"

Meredith closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "That man who shot all those people yesterday, he showed up outside the hospital last night."

Derek's jaw dropped and he reached out a hand and placed it on Meredith's arm, his voice was concerned "Oh my God, was anyone hurt."

Meredith stepped back out of his reach as she pictured the look on Addison's face during their conversation yesterday, quietly she replied, "Yes." Derek's scanned Meredith and then her friends. A second later what Meredith had said about Addison registered.

"Where's my wife?" Derek felt his chest tighten as Meredith and her fellow interns looked down.

"She was shot Derek, three times." Meredith felt tears well as Derek looked at her. His eyes were wide, he looked stunned. She heard a crunch as Derek crushed the Styrofoam cup in his hand. She winced slightly; the coffee had to be burning his hand. "Derek, your hand," She reached out and pried the cup out of his grip.

"Is… did she…" Derek's eyes had filled with tears.

Meredith looked at her friends, at a loss and Izzie finally stood, "Dr. Shepherd, she… um, she's on life support." Derek looked at Meredith for conformation and as she nodded his knees seemed to buckle. Faster than anyone had ever seen him move, Alex lunged forward and caught Derek before he hit the ground.

"I… where is she." Christina and George rose from the table and as a group they led Derek out of the cafeteria.

* * *

The elevator ride was silent and when the group reached the ICU every nurse, orderly, intern, resident, and attending grew silent. Even the patients and their families seemed to sense something different about this group of doctors. The group came to a stop outside of Addison's private room. Derek remained frozen just outside for a second before he finally moved through the door. The interns followed quietly. Izzie had to stifle a gasp. Addison was pale, she had been intubated, and it looked as if she were hooked up to every machine in the hospital. Derek moved forward and reached out a shaking hand. He drew it away before it came into contact with his wife. His eyes darted over her still form and he was struck with a wave of nausea as he remembered that just last night he had wished her gone. He bolted from the room and reached the trashcan just outside. He threw himself over it and vomited. He stood and made his way back into the room.

"Derek…" Derek and the interns turned and saw the Chief standing in the doorway. He motioned for Derek to join him outside.

"Chief she…" Derek trailed off, he looked at the chief, hoping his mentor would provide some comfort.

As gently as he could Richard spoke, "Derek, it isn't good, her left lung is collapsed and she isn't breathing on her own," Derek shook his head in denial, "Derek, she coded twice on the table." Derek stepped back, reeling. Richard fought back tears as he continued, "She doesn't have much time left and as hard as it is for me to say this, Addie isn't fighting, so you need to call your family." The interns had known it was bad, but none of them had realized that Addison was so close to death. Derek nodded, and turned towards his wife's room. He pulled out a cell phone and punched a few numbers. He entered his wife's room and braced himself against the wall.

Whoever he called answered and Derek spoke in a strangled voice, "Mom, something's hap…" He trailed off as he looked at Addison, finally after about a minute he whispered, "Mommy, I…" He slid down the wall and buried his face in his hands.

Richard stepped forward and took the phone from his friend and held it to his ear, "Mrs. Shepherd, this is Richard Webber," He paused, "Yes Derek is physically fine but he called to tell you that Addison isn't." He held the phone away from his ear and then continued, "She was shot Mrs. Shepherd," He drew in a deep breath, "She doesn't have very long." He closed his eyes and then nodded to himself, "I'll tell him" He closed the phone, "Your mother and your sisters are on their way." Derek nodded and then he looked up.

In a quiet voice he asked, "Call Mark." The chief looked surprised. Derek stood up and he made his way to his wife's side. He reached out his hand again and this time he made contact. He brushed back his wife's hair and let his tears fall.

"_The mind churns, the heart yearns. The tears dry without you, life goes on but I'm gone, 'cause I die without you." _

_Read and Review please_


	2. Full of Grace

Full of Grace

Addison Montgomery-Shepherd knew many things. She was a doctor, and it was not vanity which told her that she was the smartest person within a hundred miles of Seattle Grace. Three fellowships and a stellar career attested to the fact that she was brilliant, at least intellectually. Emotionally she was as stunted as her husband; she blamed her father. She had always hated her father for his affairs, for the way he had treated her mother, the irony of her own sin against her own husband was not lost on her. If she was completely honest with herself, and now a days Addison was never completely honest due to the simple desire to remain sane, she hated her mother more. He beautiful, smart, caring, wonderful mother who sat back and took it. Addison had known since she was six about her father's affairs, her mother had known for longer than Addison had been alive. Even now, thirty two years after she discovered her father's compulsive need to betray her mother, Addison didn't understand Elizabeth Montgomery's need to let herself be punished. Again the irony of Addison's own situation was not lost on her; which brought her back to the things she knew.

One; the affair was not her fault entirely, no matter how Derek played the innocent victim, no matter how much he screamed about her betrayal, oh of course she shouldn't have cheated, but in his heart of hearts her husband knew he had given her ample reason to seek solace in the arms of another man, if he was honest with himself. Again though, he, like his wife, rarely was, it was that whole sanity thing. She had heard rumors that Derek admitted to being a little absent, which in her mind, was the biggest lie he had ever told, and that included forgetting the fact that he had a wife. Years of being forgotten and brushed aside in favor of some phantom surgery or post op notes had finally taken its toll. There was a reason Derek's mother and sisters didn't hate her. She shouldn't have cheated, but then again Derek shouldn't have given her thousands of reasons to.

Two: She was dying. She had felt the bullets pierce her flesh and then she was alone, except for her thoughts, which were numerous. She had been on death's door before and had fought as hard as she could to avoid dying, she had fought and won. It had been a hollow victory however, as her near death experience had been the first in a series of disasters that led to her husband withdrawing and treating her like a stranger. Right now, in this moment she knew that if she fought she would win, she was that stubborn. She just didn't know if she wanted to fight.

Three; her husband was in love with another woman, or at least he thought he was. He chased after Meredith Grey like a dog in heat, and it was something that left Addison a little nauseous. The hospital believed that, she, Addison had won the battle, which was, in a way true. But she knew that she was losing the war. He husband, who had so far excused his months with Meredith as justifiable, would betray her like she had betrayed him. It would be the final nail in the cross he had been hoisting her up on for months, fitting considering everyone called her Satan. Whether Derek knew it or not he would sleep with Meredith to hurt Addison, and it would.

Four; she knew now, whether she would fight or not. Addison was a good person, but years of dealing with her father's betrayals had left her passive aggressively vindictive. Six months of being punished by a man, who she couldn't say loved her, for a crime he was partly responsible for, left her with an urge to commit her final act as Queen of passive aggresiva; she would die before he had a chance to crucify her.

Five; even now, after everything she loved Derek. Whether he knew it or not she loved him.

* * *

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

"Addie?"

* * *

The winter here is cold, and bitter  
It's chilled us to the bone,  
I haven't seen the sun for weeks,  
Too long, too far from home.  
I feel just like I'm sinking,  
And I claw for solid ground,  
I'm pulled down by the undertow,  
I never thought I could feel so low,  
And oh darkness I feel like letting go.


	3. Angel

Chapter Three: Angel

"Charge to two hundred!"

"Charged to two hundred!"

"Clear?!"

"Clear!"

Beep…

"_I met someone today Naomi…" Addison smiled excitedly at her best friend._

"_Who?" Her friend smiled indulgently._

"_His name is Derek Shepherd and he is so ridiculously perfect, well except for his best friend but I can live with that, he's a med student…" Naomi shook her head and listened attentively as Addison rambled on about Mr. Perfect._

Beep…

"_So I was thinking you could meet my family…" Derek smiled hopefully at Addison. _

_Addison spun to face her boyfriend of three months, "Really, are you sure, I mean is it too soon?" She looked slightly panicked. _

_Derek grinned adoringly at Addison, "Addison they will love you as soon as I can prove that you actually exist."_

_Addison cocked her head, "What?" _

_Derek shrugged, "My sisters think I made you up." _

Beep…

"_Oh you must be Addison!" Addison flailed slightly as Helen Shepherd wrapped her in a bear hug. Addison smiled softly and returned the hug. As soon as Helen pulled away she exclaimed, "Good lord you're as pretty as Derek said you be." Derek beamed proudly. _

"_What do you see in my brother?" A pretty brunette woman piped from behind her mother. _

"_Shut up Liz!" Derek snapped. _

"_Now kids, we don't want to scare Addison off." Helen shot her son and daughter a threatening look before ushering Addison into the Shepherd home. _

_Derek pouted to his sister, "She didn't even hug me." _

_Liz smirked, "Nope." _

_Derek scowled playfully, "I feel ignored." _

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…

"Damn it, charge to two-fifty!"

Charged!"

"Clear?!"

"Clear!"

Beep…

"_Marry me!" Derek winced and his sisters glared at him. That had sounded more like an order than a proposal. _

"_What?" Addison looked at her boyfriend, stunned. _

_Less forcefully Derek asked, "Marry me?" He opened the box and presented Addison with an engagement ring. Addison's eyes filled with tears and Derek panicked, "You don't have to if you don't want to, I can wait." He rushed to assure her not seeing the looks of displeasure on his mother and sisters faces. "It's just that I love you Addison, and I want to love you forever, if you'll let me." _

"_Yes." _

_Derek shook his head not registering Addison's response, "I understand…" He stated to close the box only to have it swiped from his hand by one of his sisters. "Nancy!" _

"_She said yes dumb ass!" _

_Derek looked at Addison in surprise, "Yes?" _

"_Yes," Addison smiled through her tears. _

"_Gimme the ring!" He snatched the box from his sister and gently placed the ring on Addison's finger. _

"_Yes!" His sisters crowed triumphantly. _

_Nancy smiled, "I call maid of honor!" _

_Her sisters shot back, "The hell you do," and "Addison likes me way better," and "I don't think so stupid. _

Beep…

_Derek looked towards the church double doors again and turned to Mark, "What if she changes her mind?" _

_Mark shared an exasperated look with the rest of the bridal party and replied, "She won't."_

"_How do you know that?" Derek looked like he was about to faint._

_Mark scowled, "I just do." _

_Derek was quiet for as beat and then, "Yeah but how?" _

"_Look I…" Mark trailed off as the doors opened and Addison and her father stepped through them. _

_Derek let out a gasp, "My god…" Addison was stunning, her red hair fell in gentle curls around her face and neck, and her dress was a white master piece of Italian Lace with a strapless bodice that left Derek breathless. Resting atop her shimmering hair was a tiara of white gold making Addison look every inch a fairytale princess and for a moment Derek felt unworthy; then her eyes met his and she smiled. If Addison had been stunning before she was radiant now. _

Beep…

"_I can't make it." _

"_Derek, it's our eighth anniversary." _

"_I can't make it Addison, I have a surgery." _

"_I made reservations at our favorite restaurant." _

"_I'll send Mark, there's no need to lose our table." _

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…

"Charge to three hundred!"

"Charged!"

"Clear?!"

"Clear!"

Beep…

"_Derek I need you to come home by six o'clock tonight." Addison spoke in a tone that brooked no argument. _

"_Ok," Derek answered absently. _

"_Derek…" _

"_Ok Addison!" Derek snapped and turned away from his wife. He turned and walked away from his wife. Protectively, she wrapped her arms around her abdomen. _

_Later…_

_Addison had paced when 6:30 rolled around. _

_She had glanced at the table she had set repeatedly as 7:30 passed. _

_She fumed when the clock struck 8:30._

_She grew concerned by 9:00. _

_At 9:15 she called the chief of surgery at Mt. Sinai. _

_At 9:20 she learned that her husband had boarded a plane to Dallas to attend a last minute Neurosurgical conference._

_By 10:00 she had called her husband fifty times. _

_At 10:10 she called an ambulance. _

_She miscarried at 11:34. _

Beep…

"_He doesn't deserve you Addison." Addison sighed, maybe Mark was right. As she stumbled into bed with her husband's best friend, Addison tried to grasp something that she was forgetting. She sighed as Mark removed his pants and spread her legs, her heart stopped when the door to the bedroom opened and her husband entered. It clicked, Derek got home tonight, that was what she had forgotten. _

Beep…

_She really hoped that fifteen stories would do it. She stood on the roof of Mt. Sinai and looked down over the edge. As she contemplated the parking lot she had one solid thought, fifteen stories had better cut it. She swiped at the tears leaking down her cheeks and cursed herself, she had thrown away her marriage for a man who was hadn't waited two months before cheating and her husband couldn't stand to talk to her long enough to even divorce her. She pushed down the rush of irrational anger she felt towards Mark, because to be fair she couldn't blame the man for not wanting to wait for her to actually sleep with him and then she had to stamp the rage that flared towards her absent husband. She stepped onto the ledge and cracked her neck. Then her phone rang. _

_She answered, "Dr. Shepherd." _

"_Addison?" _

"_Richard?" _

"_Oh good, how are you Addison?" _

_She smirked at her own private joke as she surveyed the parking lot, "Fine, you?" _

"_Tumor." _

"_What?!" _

"_Derek will take care of it, I have to say I'm glad he's here." _

_Addison swallowed the lump in her throat, "He's in Seattle?" _

"_Of course he is, you didn't know?" _

"_No…" Richard was silent, "What did you need Richard?" _

_He paused and then spoke, "We've just admitted a TTTS case and I wanted you to take point."_

"_Richard I not sure…" _

_He cut her off, "He's sleeping with an intern Addison." Addison felt a flood of pain. _

"_How long?" _

"_From the hospital gossip, it started the night he got into town two months ago." Addison reeled and stepped down from the ledge. He hadn't even waited till their marriage was cold. _

"_I'll be there tomorrow Richard." She clicked the phone shut and cast on last look towards the parking lot. She'd be damned if she was going to die Addison Shepherd. _

Beep…Beep…Beep…Beep…Beep…

Derek looked at his wife and then towards the monitor. He rushed forward and nearly fell on top of her as he grabbed her hand. "Oh thank God." The nurses and the doctor that had run the code filed from the room until the only people that remained were Bailey, the Chief, Bailey's interns, and of course Shepherds.

The interns looked at one another in relief. They had come running when the code blue had been announced. They had watched in horror as Addison had been shocked three times. Luckily she had been brought back. Their relief was fragile at best though, this was the third time Addison had coded and not many people came back from one code, let alone three. The chances of her surviving grew slimmer the longer she remained unconscious.

"Oh dear god!" The occupants of Addison's room spun to face the five women that were crammed into the doorway. The five women shoved past the interns, Bailey, and the chief to crowd around Addison's bed.

"Mommy…" Derek turned to his mother, looking like a lost little boy. His mother caught her son in her arms and squeezed, her gaze focused over his shoulder at her daughter-in-law. The Shepherd sisters stared at their fifth sister, stunned with the amount of machines that were hooked to Addison. Their eyes flitted back and forth between Derek and Addison. Their brother was clinging to their mom, in away that was reminiscent of how he had been when their dad had died.

"Addie…" Nancy reached out to touch her sister-in-law and as her hand grazed Addison's the redhead started to choke.

Alex and Meredith pushed through the Shepherds and exclaimed together triumphantly, "She's fighting intubation!"

"_Spend all your time waiting__  
__for that second chance, __  
__for a break that would make it okay, __  
__there's always one reason__  
__to feel not good enough, __  
__and it's hard at the end of the day.__  
__I need some distraction, __  
__oh beautiful release__  
__memory seeps from my veins__  
__let me be empty__  
__and weightless and maybe__  
__I'll find some peace tonight"_

Read and Review 'cause I type faster when I'm motivated and reviews are like my cocaine.


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